April 1, 2016
For Immediate Release
Contact: Ben Suinlotz
New York State Personal Injury Lawyers Association Announces Triumph Following Groundbreaking $50 Billion Verdict in Case of Man Suing Himself
(Albany) – Today, the New York State Personal Injury Lawyers Association (NYSPILA) announced a victory for fairness in New York State as a Bronx jury awarded a landmark $50 billion to a New York county man in the case of Dipschitz v. Dipschitz. The verdict, issued on Wednesday night, orders Dipschitz to pay himself $30 billion in punitive damages, $10 billion for emotional distress, and $10 billion for loss of companionship.
The case was brought and defended by NYSPILA president Ben Suinlotz of Suinlotz & Winzalot law firm, who deemed the success a revolutionary ruling for widespread justice: “Today marks a new day for the integrity of our civil justice system, we as humans have the right to sue ourselves, and now our courts have finally seen the light to allow this. We hope to help many more plaintendants see due process of law. Furthermore,” Suinlotz continued, “our firm is able to double our fees by representing both sides in these cases, now that’s real justice, redistributing wealth into the pockets of the personal injury trial lawyers who deserve it most.”
Plaintiff, and defendant, Eyema Dipschitz, brought the case against himself after suffering third degree heartburn, among other debilitating ailments, from ‘inferno’ chicken wings that he had made for himself with the top four hottest peppers on the Scoville scale. Though only found to be 2% responsible, Dipschitz was still required to pay himself 100% of the judgement under the doctrine of joint-and-several liability.
NYSPILA, which represents nearly 10,000 New York personal injury attorneys, is honored to be run by the counselor who achieved this cutting-edge initiative which is predicted to deliver an influx of lawyers into New York. “Sure, we’ve got the most lawyers per capita of any state. But we can always do better. Allowing individuals to commandeer both sides of a lawsuit is an important step toward achieving that goal,” Suinlotz explained.
According to Suinlotz, success wasn’t about a number, but about changing lives, “many lawsuits have not been brought as the law was unclear on the outcome of a plaintendant suit, this ruling changes that discrepancy.” The NYSPILA president also urged readers to contact his law office if they or a loved one has suffered any injury or misfortune. “It doesn’t matter how minor – I can practically guarantee you a cash settlement!”
# # #
The New York State Personal Injury Lawyers Association (NYSPILA) is a completely biased for-their-own-profit association of personal injury lawyers dedicated to creating an imbalance in New York’s civil justice system and increasing the opportunities to file jackpot justice lawsuits.
They also hate puppies. This entire release is complete satire.
DYK: Utah has actually allowed for this type of case to be brought in their courts: http://bit.ly/25mJLid